From addiction to recovery – My name is Nontetho Noni Mathe

My name is Nontetho Noni Mathe. I am a 39-year-old South African, born in Northern KwaZulu-Natal in a village called Nqutu. Later, I moved to Durban and spent most of my teenage & young adult years there. I have worked in Durban and Johannesburg. This is my story from addiction to recovery.

I’m the firstborn in my home. I grew up in a very loving home, my parents are still married, and I have two younger sisters.

My family is very supportive, loving, and I’ve always been acknowledged and appreciated — but that wasn’t enough for me to be happy, feel secure, or understand the meaning of life. Even though my family was present (including extended family), I always felt isolated deep down. I felt like I didn’t belong here. Not just in my family — I mean on this earth. I always asked myself, what’s the meaning of all this — school, work, family — and it got worse when I started working.

Initially, I was happy I got a job at a young age, but I soon became bored. I hated going there. Waking up early was such a mission; some days I would be shaking while driving to work, and asking myself, “Why do I need to wake up early and take myself to a place I don’t like and do the same the next day?”

I felt like I didn’t belong here. Nothing moved me and meant much to me, and the older I got, the more lost I felt. Life didn’t make sense. The routine… I had no zeal for life.

In my late teens, I spent most of my time with my cousins. We were very close, and at some point, we tried alcohol; we drank some sweet cider. I don’t remember much about the first time I drank, except that we were giggling and probably had one drink each. I also had a string of friends who liked going out. They looked cool and did all sorts of things — dating, drinking, and smoking weed, some hardcore drugs. I was aware of this, and I always thought, ” Nay, I will just hang with them, but I will not use drugs. I never expected to have an “addiction-to-recovery” phase of my life

We were the “it” girls

As time went by, I grew to like alcohol such that I wouldn’t go to restaurants where they don’t sell alcohol, and I started planning my weekends around how much I could drink. Now and again, one will have heavy drinking nights, pass out, or party all weekend long, only sleep a few hours during the day, and be out clubbing all night. We all did it — it was no big deal. All the cool kids did it. We were “the it girls” in town, the life of the party scene in Durban, and we were friends with all the DJs.

At this stage, I was working, and it started to affect my job. I was always tired. This one time, we were out on a Wednesday, and I kept falling asleep on the couch, so this friend of mine suggested I try cocaine so I wouldn’t fall asleep. Without even thinking twice, I did it, and suddenly felt awake. I fell in love with cocaine. I could go to work and party at night — and I didn’t need to sleep. I had found a friend. I also had nights when I tried crack cocaine. I liked it, but always thought that it was too strong, and didn’t like the fact that I would become paranoid after using it, so I stopped. Cocaine was my drug of choice.

As much as I thought I was in control, people close to me didn’t think so. My boss noticed something was really wrong with me, and I was dating this DJ guy who, at some stage, they got hold of him, and they ganged up on me, and I was sent to rehab. I listened, but clearly was not ready to receive the help — I used again soon after I left, and even forgot the name of the rehab, and the fact that I had been to rehab. My recovery phase came later.

10 years later… from addiction to recovery

Still using cocaine and drinking heavily, the cocaine stopped working. I needed more and more, and it was never enough. I used it more frequently, and never got the high I needed anymore. I tried to stop on my own, but always failed. I worked hard on hiding from my family and friends that I had a drug problem. People I worked with really didn’t know; some friends did, and my family could see, but they didn’t know how to approach me. Trying to hide that you are using is a challenge on its own, because it means you need to spend less time with loved ones or people who are not on drugs. So you always make excuses to be unavailable.

It got to a point where drugs had numbed my feelings. I was emotionless — I couldn’t take a shower without using. I had to use before I could sleep, when I woke up — I had to use to function. Cocaine filled a void in my soul for a while, but in hindsight, it made the hole even bigger. I felt depressed, lonely, and scared. I was in so much pain. I felt like I was drowning in mud every day, until the pain of staying the same became greater than the fear of seeking help.

Reaching out for help

I reached out to my sister. It was the hardest phone call I ever had to make. I told my sister, “I think I have a drug problem, and I need help”. She and her husband offered to take me to rehab, so I went around interviewing many rehabs, looking for the best rehab in SA.

My first day at rehab was on the 5th of November 2018. I was admitted to Houghton House rehabilitation centre in Randburg, Johannesburg. When my sister dropped me off, I cried — mostly because I believed I was hopeless and this rehab thing might not work, just like how it didn’t work 15 years ago. I was scared and so unsure. I was so lost, and I really didn’t like calling myself an addict, but I was willing to do anything — even though I had a lot of reservations.

I remember when we started lectures, and it became clear that the problem is not the fourth glass but the first sip, which meant I needed to stop completely for the rest of my life. I was so upset with myself that I went to rehab in the first place, because now I knew this bad news, and I couldn’t unlearn this truth. I was thinking about all my friends who were using — that they should all be here to hear this bad news, so they should also abstain, as it was suggested to me.

Slowly, I started to understand what was wrong with me. I continued to listen and pay attention, but had this plan that I would abstain, alright, but when I’m 60 years old, I would drink again. I really couldn’t imagine life without alcohol and mind-altering substances.

The Serenity Prayer

One of the lecturers suggested that we pray in the morning and evening (the Serenity Prayer) — to keep it short. They even said that even if we don’t mean it, we should just do it. So I did as I was told. One night, while I was praying in my room at Houghton House, I suddenly felt an overwhelming feeling of relief and happiness. I felt butterflies in my tummy — a feeling I hadn’t felt in years, or maybe ever in my life. For some reason, I had new hope, and I tasted a happiness that even drugs didn’t give me. I held on to that spiritual experience and started sitting in the front and doing everything I was told at Houghton House. I met such great people, and the programme was very intense and, honestly, life-changing. I suddenly had a new perspective on life.

Leaving Houghton House rehab

The day came when I had to leave Houghton House. I was happy with what I had learned, but I wasn’t confident I’d be able to stay clean forever. I sat down with my counsellor and asked him what really needs to happen now. The one thing he said was that I need to stay clean one day at a time, and not to think of the months and years ahead, and that made a huge difference in my approach.

I went to recovery fellowships (AA & NA). I still go to meetings every day. It’s two years later, and I haven’t touched a drug or alcohol. Honestly, it’s a miracle! Every day, I put effort into my recovery, but it has become second nature. I have a sponsor, and I have sponsees; I help the still-suffering addict. It has become my drive to help others; it gives me life — I finally have a zeal for life.

Addiction to recovery comes first!

My recovery comes first, and I’ve gained such beautiful, sincere friends. My faith in life has grown, and my fear lessens every day. My life keeps getting better. As long as I don’t pick up that first drink, I get to enjoy life and see the beauty that life has to offer. I’ve never been here before, but I love it here. I am serene, joyous, and free from active addiction.